Chirac Mumbles in French About Riots

"Bully! Bully!" said acclaimed author Mike Emil. "I hate the French! I dunno why Morrison went there in the first place--Woke up this morning and got my self a beer! Arrrgh!"
- posted by Anonymous @ 11/06/2005 10:04:00 PM 0 comments

 
Scat and Sprockets, A New Low For Writing

Mike Emil spoke forthright about his latest literary creation recently under the influence of alcohol, of course. He had this to say: “I’m getting to old fer this shit.”

Here is an excerpt from this newest creation by the author of ‘Killing Antz the Fun Way’—

SCAT & SPROCKETS Vol. 1 Chapter 3 Exhuding My Dream
“There was this brown mutagen. It was perfect. It was just what I needed to sculpt my master piece. I was in awe of it suddenly.
There it was plain to see among the rusty metal cogs, my eureka ever lasting, ever replenishing. Like mud bricks; what built the tower of Babel. I was vexed. I was fabulous. I was thrilled like I’d never been before except maybe when I’d been screaming on top of a garbage bin in Seattle back in ’99 and these kids all came up and started cheering around me and dancing. I didn’t like that they lit my bin on fire, but I guess that’s a statement or somethin’. It kinda killed my mood until the belly dancers turned up. Hey! Fire and belly dance chicks. Ain’t this country great?
But mud. That’s the name of this too. Fresh and oozing. Steaming too! The most natural kinda mud. Sorta homegrown, ya know? That would make my wall of infamy. That would be my Jericho, my Houston, my Japan Jeddo. Everything was falling to place…. My means to my end of perfect creation all falling from the bowels of the world. All equal; all pungent—All perfect! I found scat!

Ahh—Revelation! Speaking in tongues for so long when the answer was right before my eyes—and nose. The greatest building block—not marble, not stone! Damn me for my shortsightedness. It was all fodder. All that was and that is, so how best to express my shining star then to dig in with both me hands! I did ya know? That very night under that very nominal moon. I squatted. I heaved and contorted till my full bowels released there prize. I’d eaten a very rare steak in hopes of making the best thick congeal there could be. I’d later wish I’d eaten a good pound of blue cheese, but hindsight and foresight, ya know! It was all ready, sixteen hours of digestion put to good artist use. Hors’derves—E Pluribus Umum in art. The best—The greatest. This was it what my art long of collecting fossilized ferns in slate coal had come to. I was on the road—to the commode. But I couldn’t waste my precious brown matter. There were bricks to be made—Yes bricks! Dried in the sun they would make edifice after edifice, statue begetting statue.
At that moment I was so pleased with myself where I squat that I farted.
Ohh—What a fart!
A bold loud and noxious one. Ohh, it was what my whole whole life was tumultuously coming up to.
My bowels erupted to my delight.
In that moment I exchanged my ‘walk on part in the war’ for a lead roll my scat foundations that would change the world—Or so I thought in that whole Fruedian movement.
“Reeds,” I cried hoping not to lose the moment of my moment. “I need reeds to bind it. And cheese to bind me!” That’s when I spotted them, red and rusty and speaking to me in their dusty silence.
“Come shit on us,” they said. Yes, they spoke to me those metal bastards. And me forgetting my wine coolers and my Tabasco sauce could not be blamed, for they were in need of me and my wilely art.
“Heed us,” it called to me in metallic coolness and rustic pain.
I could not say for sure if it were my sheer maddness or my good looks that spurred this conversation onward.
I looked for some grass to wipe my ass with.
Finding a nice big tuft of it I ground my cheeks over it with much pleasure. I’d be using these dry weeds in my first bricks! They’d already been set in motion of the great Scat Plan I’d now begun to develop in my now cleared mind, lucid and ready to begin making more diamonds.
And all the while the metal hunks kept jabbering at me. They bothered me at first. Calling me to soil them.
Part of me wanted to soil them to steam them with my mighty colon.
0hh—But that took away from the magnificent plan forming in my reptilian brain and pancreas—Ohh sprockets—you meaty chucks of metal!
What need of you my well pondered dookie? I asked.
I asked again
It HAD called to me. I'd heard it! We had to mingle NOW!
- posted by Anonymous @ 11/06/2005 09:54:00 PM 0 comments

 
A Belated July Statement From Author Mike Emil

In yet another unauthorized and un-officiated ‘conversation’ really a mad rant from his porch with self-proclaimed whiffle-ball and badmitten champion “both at the same time!” of the world—

—Mike Emil speaks out against the World Live 8 Concert.

“—Ahh—Fuck!—That’s it! It’s Music Television! So we can’t show you any MUSIC cuz that’s gonna be sold off later on on video—And DVD—And CD! Dammit! It’s a concert to end poverty, so we gotta make a corporate buck! –Ahh! Makes me fucking sick! The free world’s paying for this concert event and we can’t even see it for free! I’ll give ‘em 2 lbs. of fucking flour if they need it so damn bad! It’s empty calories if it’s white anyway!
—And the line up sucked!
It’s MUSIC TELEVISION—
—SHOW US THE CONCERT!
Music Television USED to show music, now they have reality shows and fashion crap and nonsense. What the fuck does a road trip have to do with the latest Jet video???? Nuthin! Dammit!
FUCK YOU CORPORATE MUSIC TELEVISION—
—I WANT MY MTV!!!!!”

—And down with rap!

—But Stevie Wonder was cool as always—Last of the soul! Burp!

—Damn You, Bob Geldof! I had faith in you to make ‘em show the damn show!

—I Mike Emil have a new thing for Bjork after she played in Tokyo Japan! Puffy Ami Bjork!"

In an unprecedented note of some compassion Mike Emil was also noted to have grumbled “Let’s hope they did some fucking good!”

This the Official Mike Emil site would like to take a moment to mention the great loss of Luther Vandross to the soul community and music in general. Mike Emil himself had no comment on the matter.

Mike Emil Drunken Quote of the Month: “Abracadaverrrrr…Puts sssssome PUNCH in my juice, Honey! Ahhh!”
- posted by Anonymous @ 7/10/2005 11:20:00 AM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Debunks Book Tour

In a press release from author Mike Emil's publicist(who wishes to continue to remain anonymous and spoke to us under those conditions), the proported Book Tour for "The Quick and the Burnt" is "just a fricken rumor," according to naturalist and gun enthusiast Mike Emil. "Where the Hell these rumors start, I dunno, but all of it's crap! There's no tour. There's no damn book. But I like the stuff about John Denver. I'll take credit for that! But stop all this shitten lies. I'll sue ya! I'll sue somebody that's for sure!"

Originally, the book tour was intended according to our earlier sources to visit college campus across the US before dipping down into Tijuana.

We will keep you posted on any changes and any new news about Mike Emil and his work.
- posted by Anonymous @ 5/07/2005 12:32:00 PM 0 comments

 
In a recent and surreal interview from his back deck, Mike Emil expounded with much enthusiasm his planned new book and consequent tour of college campuses across the US and parts of Tijuana "just for the tequila." The book called “The Quick and the Burnt" he explained was “really a cross between my love of Delmonico steaks, ya know with the Chef Dom spice all over it. But no crushed red pepper. I fucking hate crushed red pepper. One time this guy was over and I let him man the grill. What a fucking nightmare! The bastard poured the stuff all over my steak. I ended up just eating the salad. That prick! But Dom’s good stuff,” the well intoxicated numismatist continued along this line of thought citing the use of beer when baking potatoes to be of the utmost importance and that he was currently studying ancient Indian coinage more in depth then he had the previous week before falling into a curious silence where he sipped his vodka and cranberry juice and then hummed. What significance this had to his upcoming book and tour is unclear, and that apparently amused Mr. Emil.
After a long pause and another round of drinks Emil was reminded of the subject of his new book and tour plans. Famed porn enthusiast Emil said, “What?” He went on after substantial prodding of his own memory to continue with, “Oh yeah! It’s Delmonicos and spice, er, um…seasoned salt? I was thinking how great it would have been to have Mary Carey for governor. Yummmm. I’d season her salt!”
The swaying author referred to the not too recent Californian race for Governor won by movie star Arnold Schwartzeneger-heimer, in which porn star and recent strip club arrestie Mary Carey flung her, um hat into the ring as a potential candidate coming in in the top ten of the numerous bids for the position.

Porn Star Mary Carey Arrested

After further reminder of the subject matter at hand, Emil reconsidered his earlier points and completely denied saying them. “There are absolutely no correlations between Delmonicos and the ‘Burnt’ thing. I never. Read never burn my steaks. Well, yeah, OK. I do. So then I drink and eat them anyway. That’s it. That’s what it’s all about. Life is like steak. Delmonico and Porterhouse too. If ya cook it quick, it burns and then ya gotta drink. And hey, who doesn’t like to tour colleges? All that boozin’ and the little honeys. Ya say my name and zip! Hey your glass is empty. Time fer shots,” insisted the inebriated and unusually jovial author of “Killing Antz the Fun Way.”

We wish author Mike Emil all the best on his new book, “The Quick and the Burnt,” and it’s accompanying college tour. We will keep you updated on tour dates and all the latest news of Mike Emil.

Cambodians mark start of genocide

In an unrelated conversation, but during the same social interview with spelunker and author Mike Emil, the writer had comments to make about the recent Cambodian anniversary of the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge from the late 70’s. “Spadling Grey was in that flick, …the Fields, uh, yeah. That bastard walked right into the drink. Bastard! …Lucky bastard! He owed me money; no I owed him money, I think. Well yer not getting, Spald-um, uh.” The notorious John Denver dissenter then smacked his lips, mumbled something inaudible and proceeded to make two more shooters, which consequently ended the interview.
- posted by Anonymous @ 4/21/2005 04:26:00 AM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil took some time this Easter Sunday to speak out from behind the front door of his house (which due to legal actions we are not at liberty to discuss the exact location of)in angry shouts. The reclusive author and anti-John Denver-ite spoke immediately against the Animal Planet channel and their new pseudo-documentry about dragons: "What's this crap? Patrick Stewart is just as bald on screen as he is off screen doing narration to this crap about 'real' dragons! What the hell is TV coming to? Huh? I mean there's like 70 channels of garbage on to watch and now they're making up things about imaginery--no! Mythological creatures!"
"Why don't they take all this CGI crap and make some stupid fantasy movie or something, like Doctor Who? I don't wanna hear Captain Baldo going on about dragons like they're fucking real! It's all escapism! I mean, my gawd! People are fucking dumb the way it is! You go and put this crap on a frickin' learning channel and these dumbasses will be thinking there ARE fucking dragons! I hate everyone. And I hate John Denver."
"I hate the history channel, and discovery, and HAL 9000, thousand and that bullshit with Titan. And Denver. I hate him! And I hate this chair! This damn leather keeps sticking to my skin. I hate that! Where's my drink...Oh, damn. I spilt it! I hate doing that. Ahhhh!"
"This blanket is nice though. Must be cotton. Am I alergic? Dunno. Don't remember. where's my drink?"

We the staff at 'Once & Future...' would like to point both that we hold no ill will toward John Denver or his family, and that we are not entirely sure that author Mike Emil was sober when we took notes at his doorstep of this latest rant...Also we are unjsure as to whether or not Mike Emil is indeed off his New Year's Eve drinking bing or has proceeded onto yet another alcohol experiment in gluttony. We are fairly sure (although not certain) that the reclusive writer did not hear our bashings at his front door and was in fact talking to his television set the whole time we were 'interviewing' him as he did not take the time to verbally abuse us and throw us off the premises as per usual.

Until next time...
- posted by Anonymous @ 3/27/2005 07:10:00 PM 0 comments

 
Ass in Tongues
The Blogosphere is once again set ablaze with rumor and speculation as the release of author, and former Royal Marine Sniper, Mike Emil's etymological quest 'Ass in Tongues: Taste Our Common Flavors' comes near to fruition. The 'Ass in Tongues' Project, concieved in 1994, in Mike's own words is "...something of an homage to the likes of Carlin [seven dirty words], Hall [sniglets], or even that bowl-legged, squab-eating, gimpy-boy-lovin' Pepsi Matisac [seventh grade sentence diagramming]!" Followed by what by all recounts seems to be a misquote of Ted DiBiase, he continued to slur with a wide brandishing of his drink in one hand, a hundred dollar bill in the other " ...what the fuck, 'everybody's got an ass'! Right?? Well answer me you fucks..." The Million Dollar Man was unavalable for comment. In all alleged actuality the project's aims to gather together from all diverse languages and slang the complete list of words that mean 'ass'. If that were not daunting enough Mr. Emil has gone well above the boards with an in-depth, if not anal, etymology of every example of the vulgarity. It appears that once again Mike Emil is about to throw the gauntlet down before the publishing world. In the end, if history were his yardstick, it looks like we may all all have to take a lick of Mike Emil's 'Ass...' [with grease].

Also of Mike Emil Fanatic's interest is the fact that 'Killing Antz the Fun Way' is now only surpassed in translations by the Bible! Rabid, and personally frightening, Mike Emil raged "..Oh fucking great! Way to pull a Lennon, idiots! Now they'll be burnin' MY albums, now they won't want me to take a Japanese bride! I can't see Ringo anymore [sobs], and Arafat's dead. Well, if they wanna compare me to Jesus... fine. I'm the better carpenter, dammit, but I always see his cars everywhere. As for the religion, time will tell. Clone me for the second coming and we'll whip 'em out to see who's is bigger... ".
- posted by raymond @ 3/18/2005 04:09:00 AM 0 comments

 
Author Mike Emil still reeling from his on-going New Year's Eve drunk when approached by local freelance journalists was found carving rocks in a crude attempt at making neolithic style weapons that appeared to be either hammers or very unfinished axes.
The wildly unkempt author bemoned the passing of both Hunter S. Thompson and Bruce Springsteen. When it was pointed out that 'The Boss' Bruce Springsteen was very much alive, the once and future author became angered and threw his newly created tools in a manner that might be considered offensive and assaulting, however no charges were pressed to date.

Mike Emil is continuing his sojourn into the boundless reaches of alcoholic splendor.

"Manaschevitz! --Cuz is and it's perfect. You pigs! Grift me more chulla. Ahhhh make it fust. I'm zin a ferry, er zinfendel. Ahhh, buy me a drink!"
--Drunken quotations from Mike Emil (circa March 2005)

Be sure to look for (if not actually find) Mike Emil's upcoming rant about Kohlrabi Theater and a publishing of his notes for "Oedipus Lunch" as performed with semi-soft tomatoes.
- posted by Anonymous @ 3/02/2005 09:42:00 PM 0 comments

 
'It’s a Miserable Life' still on ice-

At a recent press conference announcing the upcoming release of 'Onion Fingerboard, a Wizda Tabletry Guide' [by Ace Wizda, 2005 Harmonhouse], Harmonpress Unlimited public relations spokesman Monk Moyer was barraged with questions. Among the most tasteless was in reference to holiday un-classic 'It’s a Miserable Life' by author, and avid hummingbird photographer, Mike Emil. Widely shunned, it is a cynical, vulgar, and introspective weaving a parody of the family classic 'It’s a Wonderful Life' and the author’s sickening slant on fate, suicide, and slander of Jimmy Stewart. It is widely rumored Mike Emil DOA'd the book himself by producing the unpublishable manuscript to satisfy a contractual obligation at Harmonhouse's expense. Moyer had to wait several moments for the press corps to regain their composure after revulsion to the subject before through gritted teeth simply stating “No, 'It’s a Miserable Life' will once again remain shelved for the foreseeable future out of respect for Mr. Emil and our responsibility to public morality. We do not see any release in any form, even vegetable theatrics…, now let's never speak of it again! Next question” Not satisfied, the Hazleton Pravda correspondent who posed the controversial question burst toward the podium only to be beaten down rather viciously by his peers, was restrained, and escorted from the conference. Mr. Moyer was not physically harmed in the altercation, though it will be some time until HP is invited back to a Harmonpress function.

- posted by raymond @ 12/22/2004 05:32:00 PM 0 comments

 
Reclusive millionaire tops Schwarzenegger donors

Millionaire William Armsted Robinson who has long been purported to be a member of Mike Emil's inner circle of friends and confidants is backing Ah-nold! However, being nearly as reclusive as author and mine shaft spelunker Mike Emil these rumors are very hard to to substantiate. It is interesting to note that DHL courier service does appear to handle a generous portion of Mike Emil's affairs in and outside the continental United States. And DHL is mentioned very prominently in Mike Emil's 'Turn me into a vegetable.'

Excerpt: "I was a vegetable once, lonely and full of that brown stuff that gets on lettuce when it's been on the fridge door too long." He turned to DHL for support and was surprised at the lack of internal bureaucracy and the nice little luncheons they held and had those cheese mousses that he used to find out in Portland on First Thursday. But the wine was crap. Lucky he'd brought his flask along. "Oh, flask! --I love those cheese mousses but they don't warm my liver the way your vodka does!" From then on it was DHL and vodka all the way, baby! I'm still a vegetable, ya know?

William Armsted Robinson's office could not be contacted immediately for comment. And Mike Emil has since changed his phone number for the elevanth consecutive time this year.
- posted by Anonymous @ 12/05/2004 11:18:00 AM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil takes stab at medical bureaucracy
Dateline: Azwan
Angry author and long time John Denver critic, Mike Emil has apparently snuck another publication out the door. 'A Milking for Baby' (2004 Harmonhouse) is a sorted unauthorized look into the corrupt and bloated world of Medical Transcription and white slavery. Mr. Emil is not noted to do investigative type reporting, unless he has a personal beef with the subject matter. It begs then to wonder why all of Mike's works aren't so awakening, but all Mike Emil Fanatics know it's all about vindication. Press Amalgimated haphazardly caught up with Mr. Emil in a chance encounter along the Nile delta. After a long chase we got the following quote- "...alright already you b-[delete explitive]. [panting and read faced] I think I'm gonna pass out! Where's my drink? Oh there you are you little brain lube you. Daddy's gonna drink you all up and make the bad people disappear... [takes deep chug of comicly colored liquid] AAAH! Anyway, what the f-[delete explitive] do you a-[delete explitive] want?!!" ... "Oh, well why the f-[delete explitive] didn't you say so a-[delete explitive]? NO COMMENT! Now piss off!". As if to emphisize his point, Mr. Emil proceeded to urinate in a broad and flamboyant manner into the longest river in Africa.

- posted by raymond @ 12/04/2004 11:33:00 PM 0 comments

 
Breaking News! Mike Emil Re-Releases Holiday Un-Classic

In a rare publishing event, author and jack rabbit hunter: Mike Emil has decide to re-release his Thanksgiving Holiday story 'The Worst Thanksgiving Ever!' The author noted that the holiday is in fact over and that he purposely released the story after the fact to express his dislike of conventional holidays in and of themselves. The nuerotic author is quoted as saying: 'Damn straight it went out late! I don't care. I hate the holidays ALMOST as much as you stupid people who keep getting into my house and asking me these ridiculous questions! I mean what do I have ta do? How many locks do I gotta put on this frickin door?'
After numerous explicatives the irritated writer of such works as 'Turn Me Into a Vegetable' and 'Killing Antz the Fun Way' took time to bemoan Christmas as well citing old legends of a little troll that whipped children with a tree branch as being more palatible to his x-mas spirit then anything toy stores are offering.
The irate author is currently reciving a bill for damages concerning his front door and staff camera equipment. However, 'The Worst Thanksgiving Ever!' will hit bookstores well before christmas...maybe.
- posted by Anonymous @ 11/29/2004 06:41:00 PM 0 comments

 
Libya gives human rights prize to Venezuela's Chavez
Past winners include Fidel Castro, Nelson Mandela

Now didn't Mike Emil win one of these back in the 80's for his socialist stand on consumerism? And didn't he once again ignore the attributed award? If memory serves this was the beginning of his reclusion from the rest of the known world in the first place.
- posted by Anonymous @ 10/15/2004 03:22:00 PM 0 comments

 
In a fleeting conversation between helicopter flights we caught up with noted author and consumer advocate Mike Emil, who confirmed his contempt for his self-created ‘Mike Emil Fanatics Club’. Acknowledged founder, Mr. Emil, says quote “Of course I came up with it. I gots a little place out in Kansas, they think I live there! It’s amazing what the pigeons will pay for with their filthy money. Idiots! Anyway I’m not doing anything the Church hasn’t been doing for millenium. Now that's a scam! Selling salvation, they disgust me. I wish I could come up with a religion where people worshiped pineapples and send me a lotta money,,, wait a minute, who the hell are you and why are you in touching me?”
- posted by raymond @ 10/09/2004 05:47:00 AM 0 comments

 
The rumor mill is at it again. Unidentified sources close to reclusive author and Franco-alarmist Mike Emil have come forth with sketchy information about what could possibly be the next journalistic coup of said author. Reportedly the project- ‘Hindsight is 20/20 -OR- My All-Seeing Brown Eye Sees You' circumscribes the many on-again, off-again sorted tantric affairs of Mike Emil over the debaucherous ‘Clinton’ years. In true character, reportedly Mike takes absolutely no blame for the fiery [sometimes literally] demise of his notoriously, though secluded, hedonistic relationships. Speculation runs high across the internet, as well as Main Street USA that there may also be revelations as to the mysterious disappearance of paparazzi over a similar period in the world famous Pocono resort area. The Office of Mike Emil as well as the Mike Emil Fanatics Club had no comment at the time of this publishing
- posted by raymond @ 10/09/2004 04:56:00 AM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Recipe Book Leek

Reportedly the following is an excerpt from Mike Emil’s forthcoming cookbook: These Are the Things Good for My Digestion. Although the title and the entire book are completely unconfirmed it seems very possible that the source revealing this book extraction is reliable. Naturally, the reclusive author and herb cultivator could not be contacted for comment. Evidently, he has had his locks changed again. We will keep you posted on the validity of this extract:

CELERY & APRICOT SOUP

Yield: 6 servings

1 lb Celery
4 oz Onion
4 oz Dried apricots
1 ½ ts Vegetable oil
1 ½ pt Vegetable stock
½ ts Salt
Pepper to taste

Trim the celery, wash & thinly slice. Peel & finely chop the onion. Finely chop the apricots. Heat oil. Add celery & onion, cover & saute, without browning, for 10 minutes. Shake the pan occasionally to prevent sticking. Add apricots, stock & seasonings. Bring to a boil, cover & simmer for 45 minutes. Allow to cool slightly before blending in a blender. Return to a pan & reheat. Serve hot.

Optional: Add vodka when blending and again when finished cooking. I suggest cranberry flavor, or wildberry for best flavor. Also doubles as a good hangover remedy.

- posted by Anonymous @ 10/02/2004 03:55:00 PM 0 comments

 
Below are some excerpts from Mike Emil's publishing history. These are some of the more difficult to find works of the reclusive, some say insane author with limited publication runs to begin with and many a book burning afterward. Most notably in Muslim circles. And any real Mike Emil fan knows that you can probably only find these books in used books shops or as noted below in collections in Sweden.

The Long Mongoose Night of My Snake (Melcorp. Publishing House, 1997)

By Mike Emil

--Banned in every country, but Sweden, this underground work of an explicitly sexual nature depicts the author’s imaginings and re-tellings of escapades in a bizzare fantasy world of sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll inside and outside United States boarders.

--Hated by the Muslim world almost as much as the Rushdie’s book, Satanic Verses

Chapter 2: Excerpt 1

I’d been all over Colorado, that damn hot and cold running state. It’ll burn you in the daytime and freeze you at night depending who you’re sleeping with. Some times ya just use your hand and the loving’s a whole lot better—and warmer!
It was months that I’d been aimlessly driving around the countryside of that state. What’s it’s motto? Damned if I know—Or care for that matter. I crashed in on everyone I met at every place I went. The first broad (she was a waitress) I met her in one of those hippie-beatnik coffeehouses in Boulder. Or they’re all over especially on the West Coast and just about everywhere that’s west of the Rockies. There was jazz on the radio playing. The kids working at this place ground up every freakin vegetable on the planet and made drinks out of them! There was mangos and carrots and all these grasses and bog knows what else stuck in a blender and viola they put this thing in front of me in a glass that looks like soup! So I’m looking at it and there’s bits of carrot or pulp swimming around in it cuz the stuff’s still spinning from the blender.
I look at this broad who served it to me, and I say, “What the Hell is this? Watta ya call it?”
She says it’s a mango smoothie.
I say, “What the Hell is a smoothie?”
She explained it to me and when she was done I said, “What the Hell is a smoothie?”
So she laughs and thinks I really the most fabulously funny guy, which I am. All the while, the tall skinny kid, who did me the favor of liquefying me a salad is staring over at me, and so is this broad. Only she’s smiling and he’s just staring. Finally, I realize they want me to try this concoction. I take a sip. It ain’t bad, for a salad. The girl’s smile brightens and she turns and bounces away happy as a lark. She had a nice bounce to her too. Her perky little breasts were maybe like beefsteak tomato size, I couldn’t think of much else but vegetables to compare them with because of this stupid drink! So yeah, nice big tomatoes, handfuls going up and down. She obviously wasn’t wearing a bra. She has a cute little ass too. I watched that swing as she went back to the bar. Nice shake to it. The kid at the bar was watching me leer, until I made eye contact with him and gave him a look, then the little punk went back to washing the blender out.
It was right about then that I pulled out my flask and was about to dump a whole lot of cranberry vodka in my drink, but I had to gulp down a big frothy mouthful of salad first.
I figured, I’m gonna make a bloody mary out of this thing, or a bloody something. And I poured a whole lot it. Too much actually. It overflowed onto the little round table. When the broad came hopping on over, well that gave me a hard on. I wanted to make her right then and there, especially when she started wiping up after me hurriedly and smiling while the stuff tried running down the grain of the table and dripping on the floor.
She sniffed the air. I understand chicks have a better sense of smell then guys. I don’t believe that. After I’ve seen them bend themselves in half practically to get a taste of pussy, I don’t think they even have a sense of smell! Anyway, she’s sniffing around and looks at my drink. Her smile gets wider and she darts a quick look back at the kid washing up at the bar. He wasn’t looking, so she picks up my glass and chugs like a third of it down. Now, I really liked this broad. I was gonna have her.
“I didn’t mix that yet,” I said.
“I know,” she replied. “All vodka.” She wiped her lips with the tips of her fingers. She told me her name was Kitty, but her name tag said Lorraine.
So I called her, Claire.
Yeah, I had her that night

Chapter 2: Excerpt 2

So this was going on for a few weeks. I was staying with Claire and getting cagey. Cagey is good for me; it works. I’m good at being like that. I was getting bored. I get bored easy. And I was really bored just screwing Claire, so bored that I started calling her Kitty. She liked that, so what the Hell. I threw her a bone. But by now, I was pretty sure that I was done with her. I stopped touching her, and just got on touching myself for a few days in a row. That got her pissed, but she wouldn’t say anything to me. I was kinda hoping she’d throw me out of her apartment. I was up for another adventure somewhere else, maybe Nevada. Nah, I was feeling lazy too. So I just hung around and tossed off.
I was reading a book the one day, and she comes in from work with another guy and they go into her bedroom and start fucking. Well, she’d been real loud, trying to get me pissed off. Actually, it was turning me on. So I opened the door and she was straddling this guy and riding him hard and I said, Lemme know when yer done. I want sloppy seconds.”
I turned to leave and go back to my book when a thought hit me. I opened the door again, “Oh and maybe I’ll do you to Kitty. Hey, let’s have a three-some!”
I hurried to the kitchen to make drinks. But there was only Gin and tomato juice. This was gonna be a problem.
“I’ll be right back, kids. Don’t change positions!”

Childhood Ramblings (Melcorp. Publishing House, 1992)

By Mike Emil

--This was another example of Mike Emil’s ability to piss off the Arab world, but oddly enough the book sold well in Jordan and Egypt in it’s first and only print run. Mike Emil has repeatably voiced his own confusion as to the dislike of the work by other Muslim nations, citing the excerpt below as being positive and friendly towards people of that faith.

--Mike Emil's pointless meanderings about the products of his youth won him critical acclaim, however the book itself brought in little money. And is noteworthy for the Albanians' usage of the publication for kindling after their economy crashed. This is only an allegation and has not be proven. Albanian Officials refused to comment.

Excerpt:
Where was I? Yeah, I remember RC Cola. It wasn’t the most popular soft drink back then, but I liked it. It was up there with Jolt, but it didn’t have the same kick. Ya know, the sugar and caffeine? It didn’t have all that going for it, but I liked. And there was always plenty at the store. I can still remember what it tasted like. No, I can’t really. I know it was different then those other sodas. It tasted different, but I can’t explain how. More carbonation or something, I guess.
It’s been a long time since I had an RC Cola. I still like it. I’ve been on this cranberry juice kick these days. Ya know, I should get me some RC Cola. The hell with the cranberry juice. It’s all cocktail anyway. They mix in grape juice and apple juice and all that other shit. If I wanted apple juice, I’d go buy apple juice. Then I’d have apple juice, cuz that’s what I wanted. Right now, I want an RC Cola, cuz I used to drink it when I was a kid. There. There’s another memory. It’s what I liked doing back then, drinking lotsa RC Cola. No apple juice. Maybe Jolt, but that was hard to find when it first came out; probably gimme heart palpitations these days, dammit! RC Cola wouldn’t do that. Good old RC Cola
That was when they made soft drinks right. I bet you could mix RC Cola with Rum. Maybe I’ll go get some rum and RC Cola today.
Then there were those Muslims that moved into our community. Nobody like them, but I shared my RC Cola with them. There weren’t many Muslims in our neighborhood then. There still isn’t now.
They didn’t like it. They called me ‘infidel’ and I didn’t like that, so I didn’t like them either. And I called them towel heads, and I wasn’t sure why. I’d heard my dad say that, but they never wore towels on their heads unless they did at home. Why would you do that? I always wondered, until someone told me years later what that meant. I can't recall now who said that to me, or what the Hell he said. Anyway. And why didn’t they like RC Cola. I liked it. I still do. Must’ve been the carbonation that set them off. I don’t thing muslims can drink carbonated things unless their facing a certain direction or something. Or is that something else? So, anyway. I had my RC Cola and…


Mike Emil Pissed Off at Award Group

Noted author and Ig Nobel prize winner Mike Emil disputes the 'five second rule' as utter stupidity geared to rationalize the filthy eating habits of the filthy masses.

- posted by Anonymous @ 10/02/2004 02:51:00 PM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Denounces Experimental Theater

This has been an extraordinary month for reclusive author and skydiving instructor, Mike Emil. Having made another unprecedented announcement through his press agent who wished to remain anonymous fearing the loss of the rest of his clientele for being associated with the misanthropic Emil, Mike Emil had this to say about Kapes Productions’ Kohlrabi Theater Project:

“It’s a complete waste of time and utter nonsense. Vegetables performing the high art of theater is ridiculous, especially the use of a soup vegetable like kohlrabi.
Now were they to use tomatoes, and I want it pointed out that if they do, that’s MY idea! Using tomatoes and smashing them after every act preferably on asphalt, then that would be acceptable theater. Tomatoes are fruit anyway. That’s why Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a classic film. Maybe I’ll do a class on that at University by correspondence, yeah!”

“And there is my 11 act play Oedipus Lunch. That was produced off, off Broadway,” said the author before scowling heavily and shouting, “Alright! I did the damn thing in the shower, once. But there was a lot of tomatoes in that cast and one onion that got stuck in the drain. Just one!”

Kapes Productions could not immediately be reached for comment.

David celebrates 500th birthday

"This is a load," Mike Emil mentioned on the way to the bathroom, "and the statue too. I got a bigger schlong in my trousers. What the hell do you people keep coming into my house for anyway?"
- posted by Anonymous @ 9/23/2004 07:52:00 AM 0 comments

 
Just announced for future release from the Office of Mike Emil: Reclusive author and amateur genetic scientist Mike Emil will be releasing "To Love is to Lose", a companion composition to his best selling self help book "Love, Sex, and Empty Pockets", tenativly for Q4 2006. Autographed advanced release copys will not be available. To quote Mr. Emil '...fuck off! That's what I write at all the autograph sessions. Yet those filthy people with their filthy germs horde around me like I'm fucking Ron Jeremy or somethin'..."

- posted by raymond @ 9/16/2004 10:19:00 PM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Receives Coveted Institute Award

On Friday, September 10, renowned author and speaker, Mike Emil received the coveted Uber Asimov award at the Bone Institute for Larger Learning. The author of ‘Killing Antz the Fun Way’ was presented the award in a private ceremony. The reclusive author noted that even if he had wanted local newspapers such as the Standard Speaker to report on this momentous award, that they and other local news correspondents have “snubbed me so many times in the past, that I don’t care anymore. When I was nobody, way before ‘Killing Antz…' they wouldn’t touch me. I even applied for a reporting job at the Speaker. Too bad for them, now. I’m on the bestseller list!” Reportedly, Emil mentioned he was at least pleased not to have been approached by Panorama magazine over the years, citing the owner to be a fat little idiot with sausages for fingers.
This was the first semi-public function the author has attended in the last few years even with the recent release of his new book, Love, Sex and Empty Pockets, 2004.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Where there’s people, there’s fire.” –From the Misquotations of Mike Emil, 2003, Kapes House Publishing.

Chesterfield Supper Club Announces Roast

The exclusive gentlemen’s club of NEPA has announced this year’s roastie, reputed author Mike Emil. It is unclear whether the reclusive author will attended or not, but a spokesman for the supper club confirmed that “there will be a roast come hell or high water, and if we have to we'll drag Mike here kicking and screaming. After a few drinks he won’t care anyway!” The roast is expected to be a private function to cater to the author’s eccentric aversion to public situations and social gatherings.
The Chesterfield Supper Club is a privately owned and operated institution and membership is not only elite, but considered more honorable then the masons and other long-standing ‘secret’ organizations. In 2000, now President George W. Bush was denied membership do to the risky nature of his attaining the office of President of the United States. Since then the club has experienced mild troubles with the IRS and has been audited every year since. The spokesman for the club declined to comment.

Mike Emil Gives Cagey Interview (Excerpt)

"Well, I really don’t like to talk with people, ya see?"

Why is that, Mr. Emil?

"Call me Snake, I mean Mike. Ha! Ha-ha! (has a long laughing fit). I really don’t like people, see? That’s why I don’t want to talk to them, just about them. And women, whoa! Don’t get me started—"

We won’t.

"Good. Now turn that fucking thing off! I need a drink. This interview is over. You need a drink too. This interview’s over till I sober up. Don’t quote me on that, ya bastard, unless yer having that drink with me. Damn. I feel good."

We hope to have a more complete interview in the future with author Mike Emil
--Gombeggar


EXTRA QUOTE: “Woodjah Bah-neh Bah-hob-neh” –From the Drunken Quotations of Mike Emil, unfinished publication.

- posted by Anonymous @ 9/15/2004 07:05:00 PM 0 comments

 
Nuu book by Mike Emil- 'Love, Sex, and Empty Pockets'

What if they ran outta water mid-terraform... you'd have Terraforming Mars, The Kapes Experiment? -OR- Terriforming Mars the Fun Way [cliffnotes to Terraforming Mars, The Kapes Experiment, by Mike Emil]?

The Ballad of Hotdog Soup
By Mike Emil
as sung by Butch to 'The Ballad of Jed Clampett'



*Finch* {Nuu! Tell us the story about hotdog soup again!}
*Butch* {OK, gather round everybody}

Come and listen to a story sung by a man named Ted
'bout a poor mailman, called Unkle Emil. Boy, he could make the bread!
An' then one day, he was cookin' at the Eagles
An' into his pot he boiled three pound of beagles
Hotdogs that is! Oscar Mayer! Freeland franks! (Hey!)

Well, He cooked 'em up in a kettle filled with Budweiser
An' planned to serve 'em up with mustard -n- Kaiser
The first wiener ate, or pullin' his finger made Chooch Tepko sick
Amid all the stench the other guys called to Emil, "You Prick!"
Mule-dick that is! You prick you! Trouser ghosts...

Ol' Chef Onion needed to do some rethinkin'. So he went to the can.
An' when he came back from his leak he hadn't washed his hands.
Well, his mind was still quite full. So, he thought to take a poop-
While reminisin', it dawned on him- He'd make it into soup!
Soup, that is? Hotdog delicacy? Fluffy surprise!

Well, Unkle Emil went back to the kitchen. Lordy what a mess
who'll eat all these hotdogs- Oh, that is unless...
With an onion and a smile, Emil resolved to save the dish
Tomatoes, tomato soup, an' tomato juice will make it all de-lish!
Hotdog Soup that's it! Have a bowl. No lawsuits!
Y'all come back for seconds, hear?!

*Finch* {Narr! That story always makes me hungry!}
*Butch* {Me too! I don't eat you know. Wait min'nut- everything makes you hungry!}
*to Kyle* {Set course for Freeland, warp Ted}
*Kyle* {ee-you... I mean aye-aye cap'an Teddy!}
(roll end credits)
*Butch* {I'd jump thru a hoop to eat hotdog soup, I'm Ted-dy the metric-man! ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh... me mean To-ho-ho}

- posted by raymond @ 9/07/2004 06:01:00 PM 0 comments

 
The Official Mike Emil Site is finally open for business!

- posted by raymond @ 9/07/2004 05:12:00 PM 0 comments