Mike Emil took some time this Easter Sunday to speak out from behind the front door of his house (which due to legal actions we are not at liberty to discuss the exact location of)in angry shouts. The reclusive author and anti-John Denver-ite spoke immediately against the Animal Planet channel and their new pseudo-documentry about dragons: "What's this crap? Patrick Stewart is just as bald on screen as he is off screen doing narration to this crap about 'real' dragons! What the hell is TV coming to? Huh? I mean there's like 70 channels of garbage on to watch and now they're making up things about imaginery--no! Mythological creatures!"
"Why don't they take all this CGI crap and make some stupid fantasy movie or something, like Doctor Who? I don't wanna hear Captain Baldo going on about dragons like they're fucking real! It's all escapism! I mean, my gawd! People are fucking dumb the way it is! You go and put this crap on a frickin' learning channel and these dumbasses will be thinking there ARE fucking dragons! I hate everyone. And I hate John Denver."
"I hate the history channel, and discovery, and HAL 9000, thousand and that bullshit with Titan. And Denver. I hate him! And I hate this chair! This damn leather keeps sticking to my skin. I hate that! Where's my drink...Oh, damn. I spilt it! I hate doing that. Ahhhh!"
"This blanket is nice though. Must be cotton. Am I alergic? Dunno. Don't remember. where's my drink?"

We the staff at 'Once & Future...' would like to point both that we hold no ill will toward John Denver or his family, and that we are not entirely sure that author Mike Emil was sober when we took notes at his doorstep of this latest rant...Also we are unjsure as to whether or not Mike Emil is indeed off his New Year's Eve drinking bing or has proceeded onto yet another alcohol experiment in gluttony. We are fairly sure (although not certain) that the reclusive writer did not hear our bashings at his front door and was in fact talking to his television set the whole time we were 'interviewing' him as he did not take the time to verbally abuse us and throw us off the premises as per usual.

Until next time...
- posted by Anonymous @ 3/27/2005 07:10:00 PM 0 comments

 
Ass in Tongues
The Blogosphere is once again set ablaze with rumor and speculation as the release of author, and former Royal Marine Sniper, Mike Emil's etymological quest 'Ass in Tongues: Taste Our Common Flavors' comes near to fruition. The 'Ass in Tongues' Project, concieved in 1994, in Mike's own words is "...something of an homage to the likes of Carlin [seven dirty words], Hall [sniglets], or even that bowl-legged, squab-eating, gimpy-boy-lovin' Pepsi Matisac [seventh grade sentence diagramming]!" Followed by what by all recounts seems to be a misquote of Ted DiBiase, he continued to slur with a wide brandishing of his drink in one hand, a hundred dollar bill in the other " ...what the fuck, 'everybody's got an ass'! Right?? Well answer me you fucks..." The Million Dollar Man was unavalable for comment. In all alleged actuality the project's aims to gather together from all diverse languages and slang the complete list of words that mean 'ass'. If that were not daunting enough Mr. Emil has gone well above the boards with an in-depth, if not anal, etymology of every example of the vulgarity. It appears that once again Mike Emil is about to throw the gauntlet down before the publishing world. In the end, if history were his yardstick, it looks like we may all all have to take a lick of Mike Emil's 'Ass...' [with grease].

Also of Mike Emil Fanatic's interest is the fact that 'Killing Antz the Fun Way' is now only surpassed in translations by the Bible! Rabid, and personally frightening, Mike Emil raged "..Oh fucking great! Way to pull a Lennon, idiots! Now they'll be burnin' MY albums, now they won't want me to take a Japanese bride! I can't see Ringo anymore [sobs], and Arafat's dead. Well, if they wanna compare me to Jesus... fine. I'm the better carpenter, dammit, but I always see his cars everywhere. As for the religion, time will tell. Clone me for the second coming and we'll whip 'em out to see who's is bigger... ".
- posted by raymond @ 3/18/2005 04:09:00 AM 0 comments

 
Author Mike Emil still reeling from his on-going New Year's Eve drunk when approached by local freelance journalists was found carving rocks in a crude attempt at making neolithic style weapons that appeared to be either hammers or very unfinished axes.
The wildly unkempt author bemoned the passing of both Hunter S. Thompson and Bruce Springsteen. When it was pointed out that 'The Boss' Bruce Springsteen was very much alive, the once and future author became angered and threw his newly created tools in a manner that might be considered offensive and assaulting, however no charges were pressed to date.

Mike Emil is continuing his sojourn into the boundless reaches of alcoholic splendor.

"Manaschevitz! --Cuz is and it's perfect. You pigs! Grift me more chulla. Ahhhh make it fust. I'm zin a ferry, er zinfendel. Ahhh, buy me a drink!"
--Drunken quotations from Mike Emil (circa March 2005)

Be sure to look for (if not actually find) Mike Emil's upcoming rant about Kohlrabi Theater and a publishing of his notes for "Oedipus Lunch" as performed with semi-soft tomatoes.
- posted by Anonymous @ 3/02/2005 09:42:00 PM 0 comments