Mike Emil Denounces Experimental Theater

This has been an extraordinary month for reclusive author and skydiving instructor, Mike Emil. Having made another unprecedented announcement through his press agent who wished to remain anonymous fearing the loss of the rest of his clientele for being associated with the misanthropic Emil, Mike Emil had this to say about Kapes Productions’ Kohlrabi Theater Project:

“It’s a complete waste of time and utter nonsense. Vegetables performing the high art of theater is ridiculous, especially the use of a soup vegetable like kohlrabi.
Now were they to use tomatoes, and I want it pointed out that if they do, that’s MY idea! Using tomatoes and smashing them after every act preferably on asphalt, then that would be acceptable theater. Tomatoes are fruit anyway. That’s why Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a classic film. Maybe I’ll do a class on that at University by correspondence, yeah!”

“And there is my 11 act play Oedipus Lunch. That was produced off, off Broadway,” said the author before scowling heavily and shouting, “Alright! I did the damn thing in the shower, once. But there was a lot of tomatoes in that cast and one onion that got stuck in the drain. Just one!”

Kapes Productions could not immediately be reached for comment.

David celebrates 500th birthday

"This is a load," Mike Emil mentioned on the way to the bathroom, "and the statue too. I got a bigger schlong in my trousers. What the hell do you people keep coming into my house for anyway?"
- posted by Anonymous @ 9/23/2004 07:52:00 AM 0 comments

 
Just announced for future release from the Office of Mike Emil: Reclusive author and amateur genetic scientist Mike Emil will be releasing "To Love is to Lose", a companion composition to his best selling self help book "Love, Sex, and Empty Pockets", tenativly for Q4 2006. Autographed advanced release copys will not be available. To quote Mr. Emil '...fuck off! That's what I write at all the autograph sessions. Yet those filthy people with their filthy germs horde around me like I'm fucking Ron Jeremy or somethin'..."

- posted by raymond @ 9/16/2004 10:19:00 PM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Receives Coveted Institute Award

On Friday, September 10, renowned author and speaker, Mike Emil received the coveted Uber Asimov award at the Bone Institute for Larger Learning. The author of ‘Killing Antz the Fun Way’ was presented the award in a private ceremony. The reclusive author noted that even if he had wanted local newspapers such as the Standard Speaker to report on this momentous award, that they and other local news correspondents have “snubbed me so many times in the past, that I don’t care anymore. When I was nobody, way before ‘Killing Antz…' they wouldn’t touch me. I even applied for a reporting job at the Speaker. Too bad for them, now. I’m on the bestseller list!” Reportedly, Emil mentioned he was at least pleased not to have been approached by Panorama magazine over the years, citing the owner to be a fat little idiot with sausages for fingers.
This was the first semi-public function the author has attended in the last few years even with the recent release of his new book, Love, Sex and Empty Pockets, 2004.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK: “Where there’s people, there’s fire.” –From the Misquotations of Mike Emil, 2003, Kapes House Publishing.

Chesterfield Supper Club Announces Roast

The exclusive gentlemen’s club of NEPA has announced this year’s roastie, reputed author Mike Emil. It is unclear whether the reclusive author will attended or not, but a spokesman for the supper club confirmed that “there will be a roast come hell or high water, and if we have to we'll drag Mike here kicking and screaming. After a few drinks he won’t care anyway!” The roast is expected to be a private function to cater to the author’s eccentric aversion to public situations and social gatherings.
The Chesterfield Supper Club is a privately owned and operated institution and membership is not only elite, but considered more honorable then the masons and other long-standing ‘secret’ organizations. In 2000, now President George W. Bush was denied membership do to the risky nature of his attaining the office of President of the United States. Since then the club has experienced mild troubles with the IRS and has been audited every year since. The spokesman for the club declined to comment.

Mike Emil Gives Cagey Interview (Excerpt)

"Well, I really don’t like to talk with people, ya see?"

Why is that, Mr. Emil?

"Call me Snake, I mean Mike. Ha! Ha-ha! (has a long laughing fit). I really don’t like people, see? That’s why I don’t want to talk to them, just about them. And women, whoa! Don’t get me started—"

We won’t.

"Good. Now turn that fucking thing off! I need a drink. This interview is over. You need a drink too. This interview’s over till I sober up. Don’t quote me on that, ya bastard, unless yer having that drink with me. Damn. I feel good."

We hope to have a more complete interview in the future with author Mike Emil
--Gombeggar


EXTRA QUOTE: “Woodjah Bah-neh Bah-hob-neh” –From the Drunken Quotations of Mike Emil, unfinished publication.

- posted by Anonymous @ 9/15/2004 07:05:00 PM 0 comments

 
Nuu book by Mike Emil- 'Love, Sex, and Empty Pockets'

What if they ran outta water mid-terraform... you'd have Terraforming Mars, The Kapes Experiment? -OR- Terriforming Mars the Fun Way [cliffnotes to Terraforming Mars, The Kapes Experiment, by Mike Emil]?

The Ballad of Hotdog Soup
By Mike Emil
as sung by Butch to 'The Ballad of Jed Clampett'



*Finch* {Nuu! Tell us the story about hotdog soup again!}
*Butch* {OK, gather round everybody}

Come and listen to a story sung by a man named Ted
'bout a poor mailman, called Unkle Emil. Boy, he could make the bread!
An' then one day, he was cookin' at the Eagles
An' into his pot he boiled three pound of beagles
Hotdogs that is! Oscar Mayer! Freeland franks! (Hey!)

Well, He cooked 'em up in a kettle filled with Budweiser
An' planned to serve 'em up with mustard -n- Kaiser
The first wiener ate, or pullin' his finger made Chooch Tepko sick
Amid all the stench the other guys called to Emil, "You Prick!"
Mule-dick that is! You prick you! Trouser ghosts...

Ol' Chef Onion needed to do some rethinkin'. So he went to the can.
An' when he came back from his leak he hadn't washed his hands.
Well, his mind was still quite full. So, he thought to take a poop-
While reminisin', it dawned on him- He'd make it into soup!
Soup, that is? Hotdog delicacy? Fluffy surprise!

Well, Unkle Emil went back to the kitchen. Lordy what a mess
who'll eat all these hotdogs- Oh, that is unless...
With an onion and a smile, Emil resolved to save the dish
Tomatoes, tomato soup, an' tomato juice will make it all de-lish!
Hotdog Soup that's it! Have a bowl. No lawsuits!
Y'all come back for seconds, hear?!

*Finch* {Narr! That story always makes me hungry!}
*Butch* {Me too! I don't eat you know. Wait min'nut- everything makes you hungry!}
*to Kyle* {Set course for Freeland, warp Ted}
*Kyle* {ee-you... I mean aye-aye cap'an Teddy!}
(roll end credits)
*Butch* {I'd jump thru a hoop to eat hotdog soup, I'm Ted-dy the metric-man! ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh... me mean To-ho-ho}

- posted by raymond @ 9/07/2004 06:01:00 PM 0 comments

 
The Official Mike Emil Site is finally open for business!

- posted by raymond @ 9/07/2004 05:12:00 PM 0 comments