Libya gives human rights prize to Venezuela's Chavez
Past winners include Fidel Castro, Nelson Mandela

Now didn't Mike Emil win one of these back in the 80's for his socialist stand on consumerism? And didn't he once again ignore the attributed award? If memory serves this was the beginning of his reclusion from the rest of the known world in the first place.
- posted by Anonymous @ 10/15/2004 03:22:00 PM 0 comments

 
In a fleeting conversation between helicopter flights we caught up with noted author and consumer advocate Mike Emil, who confirmed his contempt for his self-created ‘Mike Emil Fanatics Club’. Acknowledged founder, Mr. Emil, says quote “Of course I came up with it. I gots a little place out in Kansas, they think I live there! It’s amazing what the pigeons will pay for with their filthy money. Idiots! Anyway I’m not doing anything the Church hasn’t been doing for millenium. Now that's a scam! Selling salvation, they disgust me. I wish I could come up with a religion where people worshiped pineapples and send me a lotta money,,, wait a minute, who the hell are you and why are you in touching me?”
- posted by raymond @ 10/09/2004 05:47:00 AM 0 comments

 
The rumor mill is at it again. Unidentified sources close to reclusive author and Franco-alarmist Mike Emil have come forth with sketchy information about what could possibly be the next journalistic coup of said author. Reportedly the project- ‘Hindsight is 20/20 -OR- My All-Seeing Brown Eye Sees You' circumscribes the many on-again, off-again sorted tantric affairs of Mike Emil over the debaucherous ‘Clinton’ years. In true character, reportedly Mike takes absolutely no blame for the fiery [sometimes literally] demise of his notoriously, though secluded, hedonistic relationships. Speculation runs high across the internet, as well as Main Street USA that there may also be revelations as to the mysterious disappearance of paparazzi over a similar period in the world famous Pocono resort area. The Office of Mike Emil as well as the Mike Emil Fanatics Club had no comment at the time of this publishing
- posted by raymond @ 10/09/2004 04:56:00 AM 0 comments

 
Mike Emil Recipe Book Leek

Reportedly the following is an excerpt from Mike Emil’s forthcoming cookbook: These Are the Things Good for My Digestion. Although the title and the entire book are completely unconfirmed it seems very possible that the source revealing this book extraction is reliable. Naturally, the reclusive author and herb cultivator could not be contacted for comment. Evidently, he has had his locks changed again. We will keep you posted on the validity of this extract:

CELERY & APRICOT SOUP

Yield: 6 servings

1 lb Celery
4 oz Onion
4 oz Dried apricots
1 ½ ts Vegetable oil
1 ½ pt Vegetable stock
½ ts Salt
Pepper to taste

Trim the celery, wash & thinly slice. Peel & finely chop the onion. Finely chop the apricots. Heat oil. Add celery & onion, cover & saute, without browning, for 10 minutes. Shake the pan occasionally to prevent sticking. Add apricots, stock & seasonings. Bring to a boil, cover & simmer for 45 minutes. Allow to cool slightly before blending in a blender. Return to a pan & reheat. Serve hot.

Optional: Add vodka when blending and again when finished cooking. I suggest cranberry flavor, or wildberry for best flavor. Also doubles as a good hangover remedy.

- posted by Anonymous @ 10/02/2004 03:55:00 PM 0 comments

 
Below are some excerpts from Mike Emil's publishing history. These are some of the more difficult to find works of the reclusive, some say insane author with limited publication runs to begin with and many a book burning afterward. Most notably in Muslim circles. And any real Mike Emil fan knows that you can probably only find these books in used books shops or as noted below in collections in Sweden.

The Long Mongoose Night of My Snake (Melcorp. Publishing House, 1997)

By Mike Emil

--Banned in every country, but Sweden, this underground work of an explicitly sexual nature depicts the author’s imaginings and re-tellings of escapades in a bizzare fantasy world of sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll inside and outside United States boarders.

--Hated by the Muslim world almost as much as the Rushdie’s book, Satanic Verses

Chapter 2: Excerpt 1

I’d been all over Colorado, that damn hot and cold running state. It’ll burn you in the daytime and freeze you at night depending who you’re sleeping with. Some times ya just use your hand and the loving’s a whole lot better—and warmer!
It was months that I’d been aimlessly driving around the countryside of that state. What’s it’s motto? Damned if I know—Or care for that matter. I crashed in on everyone I met at every place I went. The first broad (she was a waitress) I met her in one of those hippie-beatnik coffeehouses in Boulder. Or they’re all over especially on the West Coast and just about everywhere that’s west of the Rockies. There was jazz on the radio playing. The kids working at this place ground up every freakin vegetable on the planet and made drinks out of them! There was mangos and carrots and all these grasses and bog knows what else stuck in a blender and viola they put this thing in front of me in a glass that looks like soup! So I’m looking at it and there’s bits of carrot or pulp swimming around in it cuz the stuff’s still spinning from the blender.
I look at this broad who served it to me, and I say, “What the Hell is this? Watta ya call it?”
She says it’s a mango smoothie.
I say, “What the Hell is a smoothie?”
She explained it to me and when she was done I said, “What the Hell is a smoothie?”
So she laughs and thinks I really the most fabulously funny guy, which I am. All the while, the tall skinny kid, who did me the favor of liquefying me a salad is staring over at me, and so is this broad. Only she’s smiling and he’s just staring. Finally, I realize they want me to try this concoction. I take a sip. It ain’t bad, for a salad. The girl’s smile brightens and she turns and bounces away happy as a lark. She had a nice bounce to her too. Her perky little breasts were maybe like beefsteak tomato size, I couldn’t think of much else but vegetables to compare them with because of this stupid drink! So yeah, nice big tomatoes, handfuls going up and down. She obviously wasn’t wearing a bra. She has a cute little ass too. I watched that swing as she went back to the bar. Nice shake to it. The kid at the bar was watching me leer, until I made eye contact with him and gave him a look, then the little punk went back to washing the blender out.
It was right about then that I pulled out my flask and was about to dump a whole lot of cranberry vodka in my drink, but I had to gulp down a big frothy mouthful of salad first.
I figured, I’m gonna make a bloody mary out of this thing, or a bloody something. And I poured a whole lot it. Too much actually. It overflowed onto the little round table. When the broad came hopping on over, well that gave me a hard on. I wanted to make her right then and there, especially when she started wiping up after me hurriedly and smiling while the stuff tried running down the grain of the table and dripping on the floor.
She sniffed the air. I understand chicks have a better sense of smell then guys. I don’t believe that. After I’ve seen them bend themselves in half practically to get a taste of pussy, I don’t think they even have a sense of smell! Anyway, she’s sniffing around and looks at my drink. Her smile gets wider and she darts a quick look back at the kid washing up at the bar. He wasn’t looking, so she picks up my glass and chugs like a third of it down. Now, I really liked this broad. I was gonna have her.
“I didn’t mix that yet,” I said.
“I know,” she replied. “All vodka.” She wiped her lips with the tips of her fingers. She told me her name was Kitty, but her name tag said Lorraine.
So I called her, Claire.
Yeah, I had her that night

Chapter 2: Excerpt 2

So this was going on for a few weeks. I was staying with Claire and getting cagey. Cagey is good for me; it works. I’m good at being like that. I was getting bored. I get bored easy. And I was really bored just screwing Claire, so bored that I started calling her Kitty. She liked that, so what the Hell. I threw her a bone. But by now, I was pretty sure that I was done with her. I stopped touching her, and just got on touching myself for a few days in a row. That got her pissed, but she wouldn’t say anything to me. I was kinda hoping she’d throw me out of her apartment. I was up for another adventure somewhere else, maybe Nevada. Nah, I was feeling lazy too. So I just hung around and tossed off.
I was reading a book the one day, and she comes in from work with another guy and they go into her bedroom and start fucking. Well, she’d been real loud, trying to get me pissed off. Actually, it was turning me on. So I opened the door and she was straddling this guy and riding him hard and I said, Lemme know when yer done. I want sloppy seconds.”
I turned to leave and go back to my book when a thought hit me. I opened the door again, “Oh and maybe I’ll do you to Kitty. Hey, let’s have a three-some!”
I hurried to the kitchen to make drinks. But there was only Gin and tomato juice. This was gonna be a problem.
“I’ll be right back, kids. Don’t change positions!”

Childhood Ramblings (Melcorp. Publishing House, 1992)

By Mike Emil

--This was another example of Mike Emil’s ability to piss off the Arab world, but oddly enough the book sold well in Jordan and Egypt in it’s first and only print run. Mike Emil has repeatably voiced his own confusion as to the dislike of the work by other Muslim nations, citing the excerpt below as being positive and friendly towards people of that faith.

--Mike Emil's pointless meanderings about the products of his youth won him critical acclaim, however the book itself brought in little money. And is noteworthy for the Albanians' usage of the publication for kindling after their economy crashed. This is only an allegation and has not be proven. Albanian Officials refused to comment.

Excerpt:
Where was I? Yeah, I remember RC Cola. It wasn’t the most popular soft drink back then, but I liked it. It was up there with Jolt, but it didn’t have the same kick. Ya know, the sugar and caffeine? It didn’t have all that going for it, but I liked. And there was always plenty at the store. I can still remember what it tasted like. No, I can’t really. I know it was different then those other sodas. It tasted different, but I can’t explain how. More carbonation or something, I guess.
It’s been a long time since I had an RC Cola. I still like it. I’ve been on this cranberry juice kick these days. Ya know, I should get me some RC Cola. The hell with the cranberry juice. It’s all cocktail anyway. They mix in grape juice and apple juice and all that other shit. If I wanted apple juice, I’d go buy apple juice. Then I’d have apple juice, cuz that’s what I wanted. Right now, I want an RC Cola, cuz I used to drink it when I was a kid. There. There’s another memory. It’s what I liked doing back then, drinking lotsa RC Cola. No apple juice. Maybe Jolt, but that was hard to find when it first came out; probably gimme heart palpitations these days, dammit! RC Cola wouldn’t do that. Good old RC Cola
That was when they made soft drinks right. I bet you could mix RC Cola with Rum. Maybe I’ll go get some rum and RC Cola today.
Then there were those Muslims that moved into our community. Nobody like them, but I shared my RC Cola with them. There weren’t many Muslims in our neighborhood then. There still isn’t now.
They didn’t like it. They called me ‘infidel’ and I didn’t like that, so I didn’t like them either. And I called them towel heads, and I wasn’t sure why. I’d heard my dad say that, but they never wore towels on their heads unless they did at home. Why would you do that? I always wondered, until someone told me years later what that meant. I can't recall now who said that to me, or what the Hell he said. Anyway. And why didn’t they like RC Cola. I liked it. I still do. Must’ve been the carbonation that set them off. I don’t thing muslims can drink carbonated things unless their facing a certain direction or something. Or is that something else? So, anyway. I had my RC Cola and…


Mike Emil Pissed Off at Award Group

Noted author and Ig Nobel prize winner Mike Emil disputes the 'five second rule' as utter stupidity geared to rationalize the filthy eating habits of the filthy masses.

- posted by Anonymous @ 10/02/2004 02:51:00 PM 0 comments